A recent overload of bored had me going through old journals... not just my own for various reasons. I have come to the conclusion that journals are rather awe inspiring. Not so much what is said always but how you can watch the gradual shift in someone's consciousness over time. Even your own. I regret deleting iceoracle from deadjournal. I think it would be interesting to go back and see who I was in 1oth grade again. Review those things that seemed so drastic and important. Ah well.


So, I'm still looking for a new job. My hope was to hand in my notice by January 1st. Unfortunately, my parent's will be hosting a some German exchange kid in my room for most of February/March. And I still have no car. So my new plan of action is to get my car situation cleared by April and announce my intent to leave at April 2nd... so there is no confusion. I could be encouraged to stay if I am granted better compensation... or even benefits. But I am not working 12 hours a day for most of the summer on what I make now... again. Fuck that.
They wanted to tell me that I only work 20 hours a week during the school year and that I get "perks" with this job. I live here because I have to, because my salary is not enough to actually live off of. Access to the volvo is a perk and one I appreciate but I want to make headway in starting my own life... which means not living in my bosses' basement and driving her spare car. (They have 5 btw... 2 suvs, the stationwagon I drive, and the carrera and boxster.)

I am hoping to have enough saved to move in with Erika. Seriously. I am ready to be on my own with my own space... and more specifically unless something drastically changes in our relationship *knockonwood* I would like to share that space with her. June 1st is our tentative move in date if all runs smoothly until then. We will have been together a year. Crazy how quickly time passes on us isn't it.

Remember when you were a kid and time just couldn't fly fast enough? Clocks took forever to get to the end of the class... the bell just wouldn't ring. Summer couldn't come quick enough and everything was just another obstacle between you and the next game? Now it seems as though there can't be enough hours in the day.

I will have been working here a year on Sunday. Not sure how I feel about that.

Hey Tara,

So after you left this morning Emily decided to throw a temper tantrum which involved her flinging her hairbrush down the stairs and at me several times, hitting me in the face, marking up the wall and the mirror on the back of the brush broke and cut Anna. (It is just a little prick, I told Anna to let me pick it up but she went over before I got down the stairs. Bandaid made it all better.)

Emily got a ride to school because I felt that she did not deserve to ride the bus with her friends if she couldn't behave herself. Also because she was barricaded in the bathroom screaming "I hate you and I want to live with my daddy because he doesn't make me do anything" when the bus came.

She is grounded from all her video games and the computer until Monday.


Tahra

Yea... I'm up again. Really got to stop drinking the caffeinated after 4. They just serve to keep me peppy far longer then I actually would like. So once again I hate making the grown up decisions with money.

( Screw You Citi Card!!! )



I am looking into house sitting. I figure, I live in the burbs, urban sprawl is ridiculous, these people drive SUVs and luxury sports cars. They most likely have cozy beach houses. I will not be going anywhere for most of the summer so maybe I can cash in on their disposable income and supplement my own paycheck. That would be hella sweet. My other scheme involves house cleaning. I'm quick and efficient. And the people around here do not want to clean their own houses. Plus... all this is under the table!!!

In other news... I found a shrink! She seems pretty chill. Gave me a major discount on the account of my lack of insurance. It really is about time I seek professional help. It will save my darling friends the headache.

Side note... I hate bathing suit shopping. I like my ass. I do not like how all bathing suits are made for anorexic chicks. I have hips. I like them. They fill out my jeans nicely. The bathing suits that are made for women bigger then a size 0 are all cut weird. Or involve secret panels that cut off your ability to bend at the waist. Maybe I'll just go naked. *growls*

it sucks harder then a two bit whore.

Poor attempt at humor aside, I am proud of myself for attempting to manage my finances. Not so much happy about my driving need to do so at two in the morning but once my mind latched onto the idea (like a leach to a hemophiliac)  it wasn't letting go so I ran with it.  Similar to how I am running with these highly colorful analogies.

So all things considered... I'm not rolling in cash but my bills are getting paid and once I get over a particular hurdle I will be able to start saving in earnest.  (Which would be good considering the dismal state of my savings account.)


My main issue now is my general sloth and lack of active employment.  The employment I refer to here is an amusement of some sort with which to while away my time.  My current occupation limits my opportunity for travel and curtails my availability for some other form of gainful employment.  Essentially, I am fairly certain that most jobs would scoff if I were to preface my application with the condition that I be allowed (at all times) access to my cell phone in case of an emergency.  My job first in foremost is M and A. Most employers want full rights to your soul and the privileges therein.  So that really limits my daytime options.  Night is limited in part by jobs I would willingly take, and jobs that would be given.  Regardless of discrimination laws I believe we would be hard pressed to find someone willing to employee a fairly attractive young female to work the graveyard shift, (also the timing sucks slightly if their mum should be late coming home.)

I need to work. I have never not had a job.  And this is not to say that my current position is not demanding or difficult.  It can be both.  But it isn't physically exhausting.  I need exhaustion that comes from actual physical labor.

Otherwise I'm just a nerd with too much time and access to Jane Austen and the Bronte's.  Or hadn't you guessed from my slovenly attempt at the address of those who are blessed enough to name themselves polite society.

(Saddest part... I really wasn't trying that hard.  I just started typing and noticed partway through I was using lots of odd words.  Sense and Sensibility is screwing with my syntax.)

Honestly I really just need something to do.  I sleep far to often for my health. It is not good.  Last night I got 8 hours of undisturbed sleep and after getting the girls off to school this morning I made it a whole hour and a half before snuggling back into bed for a 3 hour nap.  That I am still awake now can be fully credited to my obsessive abhorrence with not asking my parents for money, or owing them any.  Just had to balance the books. 

The holidays were insane and for me they started the first week of December.  I have a lot of family, and they all feel guilty for their general inattention so come December we have a lot of gatherings.  Not that I don't love seeing everyone, the chaos is totally worth it. 


I've finally gotten into some kind of routine with the girls. I'm going to look into some new methods of discipline.  One that focuses more on positive reinforcement then punishment.  They are so desensitized to grounding, (it occurs several times a day, so who wouldn't be?).  I mean I was desensitized to grounding and I got in trouble once or twice a week.  These two commit major infractions multiple times in a day.  Ok so they aren't sunshine and light personified, and really they are rotten little monkeys a lot of the time.  But you really just have to feel sorry for them.  It has to be stressful for them.  They want boundaries and consistency and they get waffling and chaos.  I have been perusing the interwebs for nanny sites and childcare advice.  The Nanny 911 and SuperNanny websites have actually been quite helpful.  Part of me wishes they could just come in and set me up with a routine to follow.  That would be wicked sweet!  But I guess it is just me.

Spent New Year's Eve with Sheri's family and Ryan.  I really don't like how they treat her.  Just because she has some issues they have basically written her off as a big loser.  Nevermind that she is one of the sweetest, most throughtful and kind people that I have ever met!  She is always doing nice things for other people.  I think that should count for more but apparently I am alone in that. 

Ryan planned me a surprise party for my birthday. I suspected he was up to something but only cause he was being shady Friday about where we were going and what we were doing. I still wasn't convinced until we actually got there. It was a really awesome time. Eva, Andy, Sheri, Erin, Chris, Kris, Mike,  Tyler and Michelle were there.  And it was really cool of Tyler to let us have it at his apartment.  And Michelle made this yummy truffley chocolate cake, and all kinds of little snacks and dips. And Sheri made a cake to look like an Ipod.  And I got presents!  They really could have stopped at awesome party and cakes!  It was just so cool to have an actual birthday party.  My birthday tends to get sucked into the general holiday festivities.  Come january second people are usually sick of gatherings.   The dark spot on it was that some people got forgotten in the invitation process.  :-(     But it was an unintentional oversight.  The boy did ask for suggestions on who else to invite from the group.  Oh well.  The rest of the weekend was a lot of running around and family drama.  And Erin had digestive pyrotechnics after dinner out with my parents on Saturday.  Yucky.  :-/

In other news my car no longer wants to go over 60 mph.  It makes scary, disgruntled noises. I'm kind of afraid to drive it very far away from our home base in case it decides to die.  I would rather not be half way to Ocean City or something and have it explode.  I really hope it holds out for the rest of this year.  I can't afford a car right now.
And now we are back to the normal routine.  I'm trying to get things organized so I can start working on writing. I'm also looking into Drexel's Library Science program.  I think I would make a good librarian.

So that is my update.  Not much going on really... trying to sort through the chaos and declare a sliver of order.  Having a little luck. Not sure if it is good or bad yet but we shall see.

What do you want in life?

I want a partner. Someone who cherishes me as much as I cherish them. Someone quirky, who likes to have fun. Who isn't afraid to laugh at themselves or with others. Some who sees the joys and possibilities in life.  Someone who isn't afraid of strong, opinionated women.  Someone who fights for what they believe in.  Who is willing to take turns being the steady, responsible one.  Who doesn't expect me to sacrifice everything and doesn't expect that they should either.  An intelligent person who seeks knowledge just for the hell of it, who isn't afraid to try new things, take risks. Must love to read, listen to music, and must, must MUST love kids and animals.

I want kids. Maybe one of my own and then adopt one.  I don't want to be a stay at home mom, at least not full time. It isn't conducive to anyone being happy really.  Kids and significant other take you for granted and then you start to take you for granted. But I do want to have them and have family dinner every night and special weekend breakfasts, go to museums and zoos, parks and theaters.  I want to have one of those chalk walls you can write on so that they can decorate the house.  I want to paint murals on their walls and read them stories until they fall asleep.   I want to be there for their firsts, from first word and step to first kiss.

I want a home. Doesn't matter if its an apartment or a little house but I want something modest and comfortable.  I don't need a sprawling McMansion, they just equal more to clean and take care of.  One requirement is lots of windows, for me and my plants. I want a room with wall to wall bookshelves. There will be one tv. And wireless.  And it needs to be as energy efficient as possible.  I want a place to have a little flower garden, even if its just a terrace. 

I want to be at least part owner of a bookstore/cafe (ideally I want to own the store and the building it is housed in).  Not some B&N or Borders wannabe establishment, something more intimate.  I want one of those little hole in the wall places that appears worn down and a little shabby to the untrained eye but is in fact merely aged by frequent use and love.  Either a refurbished row house in the city (think those little cozy shops just off South St in Philly) or a redone house in a little town with an apartment upstairs (think Lewes DE, New Hope PA, or even some of the little shops in Newark).  I want to specialize in sci-fi, fantasy, history, theology, etc... Oprah's book club need not bother (no offense to the lady herself I just want to steer away from the trendy and obvious).  There will be a garden outside with herbs and fresh veggies which will be used in the cafe.  And flowers, lots of flowers.  I will put local artists work on the walls for sale, and play music from local bands, for a pittance of a commission... or maybe just because I am cool like that.  I want to hold community game nights... be it D&D or some Scrabble.  I want to have open mic nights for poets and musicians. I want to be the cool, not cool place to hang out,  gossip and chill.

I want to take trips to random locations.  I want go back to India and London.  I want to travel to new cities, new towns, new countries, and new friends.  I want to visit my old friends wherever the wind may take them.  I want to huddle under my umbrella on exotic, sun-baked beaches, I want to dance in foreign clubs, drink in far off bars.  I want to chat with the locals in little tea shops and explore the marketplaces.

Maybe I will write down some of the stories swimming in my brain. Or just tell them to my kids.  I'm not so much one for the grandiose.  But I do have a few dreams.  Mostly I just want the people I love around to share what I do have.

I withdrew from classes yesterday. I am freaking out a little bit but ultimately I know that I made the right decision for this point in time.  More importantly I made the decision for myself. Since the program is set up in such a way that you have to take your classes in a certain order, I've got a year off from school. 

I've never not been in school.  If you count pre-school I have been in school for 15 out of the 23 years I have been alive. That is a lot of freaking school.  Is it really any wonder that I am just sick of it?  Not learning, I could never be sick of learning. But I am sick of having to drill a series of facts into my brain only to forget them after the test because they mean nothing to my everyday life.

I want to learn about things that I am curious about!  Not what has been deemed acceptable knowledge but what I actually want to know!  I want to read, and garden. I want time to write down the ridiculous amount of stories milling around in my brain.  Hell I probably have a book or two bouncing around up there.

I'm going to get a full time job.  Odds are it is not going to be something very mentally taxing. It is also going to be something that I don't take home. It is hard to be emotionally invested in retail.  I am hoping that I get the job at Barnes and Noble, then I get help people find books/music all day. 

I am burnt out. I am always trying to do what my family expects of me, trying to be someone they can be proud of.  But you know what I have decided... if they aren't proud of me right now, they should be!  And its my life to do with what I will.  How can I enjoy my life when I am worrying about their expectations all the time?

Life is too short to be ruled by fear.  I'm going to enjoy myself.  I am going to work on the things I want to do. And if grad school is part of the plan then I will get there when I am good and ready.

Do you know the #1 song the day you were born?

   Go here http://www.joshhosler.biz/NumberOneInHistory/SelectMonth.htm

   Add your first name at the bottom of the list and put the name of the song beside it!  Then email it to your friends and be sure and send me the results of 'your song'!


   1.  Alex-  'Alone Again (Naturally)' by Gilbert O'Sullivan
   2.  Amanda-  'Saturday Night' by The Bay City Rollers
   3. Kristen- 'I Think I Love You'- The Partridge Family (OH YA!)
   4. Kevin- 'Joy To The World' – Three Dog night
   5. Susie - 'Tequila' - The Champs
   6. Dave - 'Wanted' - Perry Como
   7. Tracy - 'Jail House Rock'  Elvis Presley
   8. Dave -  Purple People Eater
   9.    Jay  -  Sixteen Tons - Tennessee Ernie Ford  
   10.  Jeanne - Sixteen Tons - Tennessee Ernie Ford
   11.   Sara - 'St. George & the Dragonet '- Stan Freberg
   12.  Dorothy - 'That Lucky Old Sun' - Frankie Laine
   13. Giselle -'Total Eclipse Of the Heart' -Bonnie Tyler
   14. Camille - 'Please Don't Go' by K.C. & the Sunshine Band
   15. Janell - 'Every Breath You Take' by The Police
   16. Sara- "Lady" by Kenny Rogers
   17. Dorthy- 'Someday We'll Be Together' by Diana Ross & the Supremes
   18. Heather - 'Celebration' by Kool & the Gang
    19.  Marilyn  -   'Remember Me'  by Bing Crosby   
    20. Ruth    -        'Sh-Boom' by The Crew-Cuts
   21. Rita - "Teddy Bear" by Elvis Presley
   22. Katherine  "Night F ever" The Bee Gee's
   23. Loise "She Loves You" By the Beatles
    24.  Cheli - "I Can't Stop Loving You" by Ray Charles
   25.  Cheri'- "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones  J
   26. Cheryl - Stuck on You by Elvis Presley
   27.  Sharon  The Twist by Chubby Checker
   28.  Charlotte -  "Stay" by Maurice Williams & the Zodiacs
   29.    Becky - "Please Be Kind" by Red Norvo
   30.   Lisa......WHY by Frankie Avalon
    31.  Oney  -  "Soldier Boy" by The Shirelles  (fits, since I am now an Army wife!!)
   32.  Allison..."Hello Dolly" by Louis Armstrong
   33. Andrea..."The Happy Organ" by Dave "Baby" Cortez
   34. Mike......"Heartaches" by Ted Weems
   35. Carol...."I've Got a Gal in Kalamazoo "Glen Miller"
   36. Karen - Don't Be Cruel/ Hound Dog" by Elvis Presley
   37. Terri-Sugar Shack by Jimmie Gilmer and the Fireballs
   38. Tahra - Like a Virgin by Madonna

It truly astounds me how easily and quickly my family strips me of all self-worth and hope.

I think I am going to stop telling them when I come up here.  Maybe I can start crashing in sharpwind's dorm...

Being here never fails to leave me feeling battered and bruised emotionally.  And the worst part is they don't ever really do or say anything.

I do not fit. I never did.  It really sucks knowing that.

The Big Read reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they've printed. Well let's see.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicise those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them ;-)

so artsy kids...  want somewhere to immortalize your work?  design me a tattoo.  If I really like it, I'll get it.
I see it as a way to keep my friends close.  I don't want anything on my legs (but ankles and feet are fine), fore arms, stomach or breasts.  But the rest is an open canvas.  I have someone working on wings already... so try branching out from the back.

have fun!

Hey guys,
I know I may have not been incredibly accessible last year for various reasons.  I also know that I am going to be incredibly busy this year.  But I miss you guys.  So if anybody wants to get dinner or just hang out and watch a movie with me some night... I would really like that.

I also want to try to get out to a club in Philly sometime.  If any of you kids are interested?


I'm trying to work on that whole being social thing. 


Love,
me

So apparently since the Women's Studies department won't just give me all my award money in one go, I get to be taxed on it.  To say that I am not happy about this is a major understatement.  That is my money I earned it.  I don't make enough damn money for them to even keep any of what they take from me.

It is a waste of trees and ink.  And its not fair. 

I am working my ass off for ARC.  And I love it.  But I am also broke, in debt, and unable to get a full time job because of this "job".  And now they want to drop on me that I am getting taxed on an award.  I am getting taxed on a merit of achievement.  WTF?!?!?

For what?  Most likely my pittance goes into some never-ending bureaucratic hell where some poor pencil pusher fills out mountains of paperwork and takes the time to dot I's and cross Ts only to pass it off to some other desk bound slave of capitalism who writes me a fucking check for the same amount they took. 

Again... waste of trees... waste of ink... waste of time.

If I thought my money was going to something worthwhile... fine whatever take it.  You want to fight the spread of STDs?  Educate kids? Improve the environment? Have it.  Take it all.   But I know its not going to any of that.  It just follows an endless loop of uselessness.  That someone else's tax dollars are going to pay for.  Someone else is paying so that they can send my money back to my every April.

Meanwhile, I could fucking use it over here. Thanks!!! 


Fuck you and the goddess damned SUV you rode into town in you fucking fascist baby killing pigs.

No I don't like taxes. Why do you ask?

My main issue is that I am too poor for it to be worth their time.  And they just send it back to me anyway.  It is stupid and pointless.

I just wanted to say that if you are friended here I consider you an awesome person. I think each of you is amazing and fabulous in your own way and I think my world is a little better just because of you. I love you all. I know I don't get to see most of you often, but please remember you have my love and support if you need me, no matter what.


Sorry I get a bit maudlin in my cups shall we say...
I just feel like I don't have enough time to be the kind of friend I want to be all the time. I jsut wanted to remind you that I value my friendships with you all.

"Mount Pelee continued to extrude its lava spine. A year after the eruption it towered 300 meters above L'Etang Sec, piercing the air like a gigantic, malevolent finger offering a last gesture of Pelee's defiance, before slowly crumbling of its own weight."


Yes, before anyone asks... that was in my textbook... word for word.

For anyone interested in a little Goth experience...
I am planning to go to Dracula's Ball Saturday night at Shampoo Nightclub in Philly, (7th and Willow). It runs from 9pm-2am, all ages welcome $16 at the door. There will be two live bands, Cesium 137 and Bella Morte, and 3 DJs, Voodoo, Addam Bombb, and Azrael.

Its a good time. I can fit 2 more people (if one is a really skinny/tiny person)in my car if you want to come.


So umm yea... and if you have your own car and wanna come you can follow me.

Bug me if you want more info... or just go here...
www.draculasball.com

Post the first line from the first entry for each month of 2006 (stolen from erin who stole it from rena)

Januray: I turned 21 somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean!
Febuary: I feel the rest of this post will hold no validity with out the following.
March: I accompanied my Grandpa to the Milcroft Nursing home for dinner with my great grandmother.
April: I want to find a quiet place.
May: "We will bankrupt ourselves in the vain search for absolute security."
Dwight David Eisenhower
June: I am depressed.
July: I leave for Mexico in an hour.
August: so I was floating in the pool with my aunt and my mom.
September:I got to meet Christi Johnson of in the puddle, and Jennie Breeden of The Devil's Panties!
October: So apparently Staci (my hall director) feels the same way I do about Res life and the work load.
November: my boyfriend won a vibrator at sex toy bingo... 'nuff said...
December: I know that this feeling won't last but right now I have the most serene sense of peace.

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you have a great day.